I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
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And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
[eulogy]
line?
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.