Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
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Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial