Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
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Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Just a phase…
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”