How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be