I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
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Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
a public service announcement
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃