Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
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My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Need this in my life lol
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.