INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
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I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels