My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
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Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.