I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
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“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.