When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
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Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
😂🤣😂🤣
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that