On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
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My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.