That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
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[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today