[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
You Might Also Like
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I only eat vegetarians.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
road rage
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.