It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
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daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Ha.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in