Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
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I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
The “baby” on the left….
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.