Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
You Might Also Like
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs