Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
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Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Battery falling down a hole
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂