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if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”