me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
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[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.