I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
You Might Also Like
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth