Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
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In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
6. me as a lawyer
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I never needed anything more in my life
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.