Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
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This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”