People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
You Might Also Like
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
“Sheer Arrogance”
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids