You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
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you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
*Inspirational Tweets*
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Speak now or ever hold your peace
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.