I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
You Might Also Like
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”