I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
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You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
This is the best one I’ve seen
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”