A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
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M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
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