Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
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My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Good Morning.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.