Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
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me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.