me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
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People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I’m Sold!
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!