*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
You Might Also Like
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”