The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
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Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order