Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
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Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
me doing my best
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
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