Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
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I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Ha.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.