The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
You Might Also Like
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
WTF
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
LOOOOOOL
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.