I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
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*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong