Made something I’m not proud of
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Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?