I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
You Might Also Like
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine