Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
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There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Easy enough.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
This was a bad idea all around
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down