Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
You Might Also Like
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Not messing around
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect