Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
You Might Also Like
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame