ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
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Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.