Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
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Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Our lord and savoury.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.