A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
You Might Also Like
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
a fate I wish upon no one
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
*pronounces UPS like yoops
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?