Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
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customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
A wise man once said nothing.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.