hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
You Might Also Like
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
When someone trying to leave me
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.