i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
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#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick