Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
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*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
My life coach traded me.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth