Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
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I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
How dramatic are you?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I have obtained a hat
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”