If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
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Eating wings is the opposite of flying
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I’m a bad influence on myself.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.